"Sportstalk with Dan Russell" Worm of the Week 2005 - 06

After two years, it's now grown beyond a tradition and has truly become an institution. Doug E's weekly "Worm of the Week" makes a triumphant return to "Sportstalk with Dan Russell." Once again, we pay homage to former USA Today baseball writer, Rod Beaton's "Wienie of the Week." The weekly tribute will recognize one outstanding individual from the basketball world who has done their part to really mess up. Be it an arrest, an on-court screw-up, a front page miscue or even some severe pouting or whining, we'll recognize all that is really stupid from around the NBA.

Why the "Worm of the Week?" Much like a Quentin Tarantino movie, we are paying tribute to the master of the publicity driven screw-up, the original worm, Mr. Dennis Rodman. Dennis has been quiet for a while, playing in the ABA or even Finland, but we all know that he's potentially only minutes away from screwing-up at any time.  So, take a drunken wedding (although, Carmen's second nuptials just flamed out with rock and roller, Dave Navarro... oh well) and cross it with a nightclub fight and you have the perfect potential candidate for the weekly props that is the "Worm of the Week." Or in a modern twist, add a .45 and a strip club... 

December 1 & 7, 2006 - Ben Wallace & John Paxson (Chicago Bulls)
It is the carryover edition of the Worm of the Week. Did you ever think that a headband would become the crisis point for a potential Eastern conference title contender? Well, a week and a half ago the favourite fashion accessory of Slick Watts, the late Wilt Chamberlain and most of the cast of "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" became a national sensation after a strange war of wills took place between Coach Scott Skiles and his veteran big man, Ben Wallace.

The Chicago Bulls have a "no headbands" team policy. This was put in place by GM John Paxson when he took over the management duties. It may sound strange to have a policy against such an innocuous piece of hoops haberdashery but many NBA teams forbid their players from rockin' the headband. The various teams' reasons vary but the most prominent theme goes something like "we want our players looking like professionals and not streetball players." That's some hardcore old school management.

The Ben Wallace brouhaha played out as follows. Ben wears the headband. Ben is substituted out of the game immediately and told that he cannot wear said headband due to the team's policy. Ben stews on bench. Ben is substituted back into the game and puts his headband back on resulting in his immediate re-removal from the game. Angry words with head coach Scott Skiles followed by some soothing words and discussion with veteran assistant coach, Ron Adams. Ben continues to stew and sit... and sit... and sit.

John Paxson gets the "WOW" for the straightforward reason of it is a silly rule. Players will get with most rules if they can see even a modicum of sense with the reasoning. Plus, players are just used to following rules, it's the way things work in all sports. GM Paxson brought in the rule when he first became the man in basketball operations. Why? Not sure but I'm positive that it something to do with John's playing days with the legendary Michael Jordan Bulls. So, the rule continues to this day. Ironically, the Bulls featured a headbanded Ben Wallace in some of their preseason marketing materials. To quote noted philosopher Homer Simpson, "aaah, sweet irony!"

Now, why the "WOW" for the Big Ben. Regardless of whether the Bulls team rule against headbands is silly (it is) Ben Wallace needs to set a good veteran example and follow the rules. To allow his petulant attitude to effect both his own play and the potential fortunes of his team is unbelievably selfish. Not only did Wallace let the rule bother him in the above mentioned game but he decided to pop off about it in subsequent days. He even mentioned that he might not have signed his big free agent contract if he had known that the Bulls forbade the wearing of headbands. 'Ya, that's solid reasoning, especially since he couldn't have got anywhere near that kind of jack from anyone else in the league. Detroit was smart not to go anywhere near that type of money for an aging, one dimensional player.

The headband - it was good enough for many 1970's NBA players, Chicago's own Walter Payton and even Mike Reno of Loverboy but it was nothing but trouble for Ben Wallace (and John Paxson).  Everything in life ends up becoming a math problem and therefore "Headband = Worm of the Week."

November 24, 2006 - Wormless!
Everyone was really good this week. Honest. The NBA is full of choirboys. Honest.

November 10, 2006 - NBA Head Office
A year ago at this time, I paid "WOW" tribute to THE bitter and crabby basketball executive, Mr. Red Auerbach. I'll make amends right now and say "so long, Red, you contributed a lot more to the game than most. In fact, I only kinda' hate you as head manipulator of that 80's evil empire known as the Boston Celtics."

Arnold "Red" Auerbach was unbelievably successful as a coach and a general manager. He was an innovator with his approach to the fast break game and an instigator for social change within the NBA. The best part of his social engineering - he did it to win basketball games. He drafted the first African American player, played an all black line-up, hired the first black coach (Bill Russell) and was a showman before NBA hoops was all about the total entertainment experience. Rest in peace, Red, or at least until Phil Jackson wins another title.

On to the job at hand. If you've had a chance to watch a game this season, you may have noticed technical fouls flying faster than Stephen Jackson's draw time. Through the first nine days of the season, there have been 67 technicals and an amazing 5 ejections (compared with 24 technicals and 1 ejection last season at this time). Why all the law and order you may ask? Supreme Leader David Stern, in his infinite wisdom, decided that players shouldn't be allowed to express human emotions. Part of the new NBA "points of emphasis" with the referees is to curb the whining and childish behavior of the players, primarily after foul calls. The league was looking to discourage some of the more animated protests and carrying on that reflected badly on the league (or said Kim Jong Il/David Stern).

Unfortunately, this has lead to T's flying around left, right and starting center. One of the first victims of this zero tolerance policy, Rasheed Wallace. Who would have ever thought that folks would feel for 'Sheed's freedom of expression? The league needs to find a happy medium between the old whining and bickering and the new robotronic, no emotion, T 'em up fast start to this season. I know how hard refereeing can be but it shouldn't be too hard to get it right, should it?

Add in the ongoing debacle with the new Spalding NBA basketball (it sucks... honest, I've worked out with it and I take my basketballs very seriously) and you end up with the NBA Head Office in its entirety winning the first "Worm of the Week" for the 2006 - 2007 season. To paraphrase Shaq, "someone needs their university degree revoked because of this foolishness."

Doug E.

Check out last seasons "Worms"... there really are some good ones.

See were it all began... the 2004 "Worms."

For more Doug E. "Sportstalk" columns (or what passes for a columns), click here!

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