"Sportstalk with Dan Russell" Worm of the Week

A new feature on Doug E's weekly "Sportstalk" NBA segment, the "Worm of the Week" is an extension of USA Today's baseball writer, Rod Beaton's "Wienie of the Week." The weekly tribute will recognize one outstanding individual from the basketball world who has done their part to really mess up. Be it an arrest, an on-court screw-up, a front page miscue or even some severe pouting or whining, we'll recognize all that is really stupid from around the NBA.

Why the "Worm of the Week?" Much like a Quentin Tarantino movie, we are paying homage to the master of the publicity driven screw-up, the original worm, Mr. Dennis Rodman. So, take a drunken wedding and cross it with a nightclub fight and you have the perfect potential candidate for the weekly props that is the "Worm of the Week."

Playoffs '05 - Tom Cruise
Aaaaagh, I can't stand it anymore. I know this has nothing to do with the NBA, or basketball for that matter, but I just can't contain my horror at this recent turn of events. Maybe it's all those "War of the Worlds" and "Batman" commercials on the broadcasts but I can't go anywhere without seeing Maverick quickly losing his cult addled mind on television. Between "Oprah" and the various celebutainment shows on every evening, Tom Cruise is quickly destroying what little sanity I have left.

Please understand, this has nothing to do with Katie Holmes. In fact, I think Katie Holmes is lovely. That's what makes this "Worm" all the more deserving for Brian Flanagan. Come on, Katie Holmes is Joey, the smart sweet girl next door (literally) on "Dawson's Creek." The smokin' hot girl next door but the girl next door nonetheless. Now I'm forced to watch Tom Cruise act like even a bigger loon than your 'normal' Scientologist gushing over his publicity driven girlfriend (or fiancé if my gossip is correct this afternoon). Actually, that's pretty Rodman-like, the instant engagement to Carmen Holmes.  But please, for the love of God (or at least L. Ron Hubbard) make it stop now!

There you have it, Tom Cruise, multigazillionaire actor, is this week's horny high school student version of "Worm of the Week." I need Coach Nickerson to slap him down and spare us (and poor Katie) from this daily injection of syrupy nonsense. Make it stop, Goose, please make it stop.

Playoffs '05 - Larry Brown
Worshipped by many as the finest coach alive, or at least in the NBA, Larry Brown makes a Finals appearance as the "Worm of the Week." As you've probably figured out, I am not a member of the Larry Brown coaching cult of personality. Larry's skills with the X's and O's and his ability to turn around under achieving teams into winners doesn't make up for his many, many faults.

That old parental dictum, "do as I say, not as I do" should be Larry's catchphrase. Forget "play the right way," as Mr. Brown's mantra only applies to the various players that he leaves twisting in the wind and not to himself. As he negotiates with the Cleveland Cavaliers (and denies it) while still under contract with the defending champion Pistons, he shows his true "play the right way" colours. Hypocritical, disloyal and selfish are just some of the words that come to mind. I'm guessing he's never used these words when trying to get his guys to buy into his team concept. It doesn't help that he has a bigger ego than all his superstar players combined.

So, for shakin' his ass on the NBA corner, looking  to make the sweaty young boys pay up in Cleveland, Larry Brown gets our "Whore of the Week," whoops, I mean "Worm of the Week." Plus, he is a poor international coach... honest, I saw him lose it in Sydney plus the debacle in Athens plus...

Playoffs '05 - David Stern & Billy Hunter
Think of this as a cold war tribute - this is a preemptive strike "WOW," as the NBA gets ready to roll down the same slippery slope as the NHL. David Stern announced this week that the league and union had broken off negotiating sessions after the union "backtracked" on a variety of already agreed upon issues. Both sides appear to be heading towards at least a July 1st lockout (not strike) but who knows what will transpire after that date.

David Stern clearly placed responsibility on union chief, Billy Hunter, basically painting him as a dupe for a cabal of powerful agents. Hunter angrily accused the league of racism, insinuating that the league was painting him as an ineffectual black man who was being used like a puppet by the powerful white agents. Gee, I guess that would make him Gene Upshaw. Anyway, the pressure appears to be on Stern to hammer the union a little harder than logic dictates. A small group of owners is fawning over the power that small market NHL teams have amassed and want Stern to put the boots to the union in a similar fashion. Top level agents are horrified that Billy Hunter may agree to shorter contract lengths and smaller annual raises for their players, which in turn means money out of their pockets.

So, a plague on both of their houses. Or in this case, a "Worm of the Week" award in advance of any CBA angst courtesy of Mr. Stern and Mr. Hunter.

Playoffs '05 - Ralph Sampson
Let's put it this way, if Ralph Sampson lived in beautiful British Columbia, he could not renew his drivers license anytime soon. One time NBA all-star and legendary college player, Ralph Sampson, is having a little trouble paying his child support and has officially become a deadbeat Dad.

How does this happen? Unless you're Shawn Kemp, you should probably be able to keep track of your children. Come on, use a little of that fat NBA paycheck and keep your youngins' financially solid. Ralph appears to have a bit of a beef with the child's mother but regardless, pay up Twin Tower (I'm not sure if he was #1 or #2 - check with Akeem).

Just remember "Sportstalk" fans; it's all about the children.

Playoffs '05 - Jason Williams (Grizzlies)

April 21, 2005 - Vince Carter
It's taken the whole season but I have to get something off of my chest. It has been burning away at me like a bad acid reflux commercial (not featuring John Elway, of course). The final "Sportstalk" Worm of the Week for the regular season is a man who has been the very definition of the award throughout the 2004 - 2005 season. That I finally got to him only in the last week of the campaign is both my own fault and that of other deserving candidates. Anyway, please put your hands together for the one time Air Canada, Mr. Vincent Lamar Carter (ya, props to Chuck Swirsky).

Mr. Carter has been absolutely on a tear since joining the mighty Nets. Thirty point outings are the norm with a huge number of Sportscenter moments thrown into the mix. It is amazing what a small amount of effort and professionalism will accomplish. Now, compare this to his total lay down with the Raptors. Pouting, wearing his iPod during warm-up, not dunking, pouting some more and steadfastly insisting that he was giving his all for the Dinos.

Vince Carter not only cheated Raptor fans (and NBA fans in general) but showed his true colours and cheated himself. Yes, he is reborn in New Jersey but sooner or later they too will get to see the real Vince Carter. When that happens, he will hopefully win the Bada Bing Award and take his place along all the other fake boobies in the Garden State. Vince Carter has talent that is out of this world but like the Tin Man, has no heart. No heart plus being a general malcontent wins Vince the end of the season "Worm of the Week." So ends the lecture.

April 14, 2005 - Jerry Stackhouse
On the road to a potential "Sixth Man of the Year" award, Jerry Stackhouse has hit the proverbial speed bump that is the "Worm of the Week." Just off the injured list, Jerry took exception with a rather aggressive elbow from Utah Jazz rookie, Kirk Synder. There were words exchanged, accusations made but eventually cooler heads prevailed. At least until after the game...

Nice foreshadowing, huh? Ms. Buchanan, my 11th grade English teacher would be proud. Anyway, wind the clock ahead to the Mavericks/Jazz post game. Players from both teams usually have to exit NBA arenas from the same general area. Home team heads for their H2 holding pen, visiting team chats up their local friends, potential dates, hangers-on, etc. before hopping on their charter bus that takes them off to the plane. All very benign. Except in this case, where Mr. Stackhouse searched out Mr. Snyder and tried to go WWE on his ass (as the kids like to say). Unfortunately, there was no limo to smash or handy two by four to pick-up, so, the damage was minimal. After the combatants were separated, Kurt Angle shook his head and bemoaned the state of basketball tussling.

Why only Jerry Stackhouse as the "WOW?" He's a veteran and should know better. Plus, I actually got to speak with him after the Mavericks defeated the Sonics and that is a "Worm" first. Job well done, Stack, and I hope the voters don't hold your "WOW' designation against you when it comes time to vote for Sixth Man of the Year.

April 7, 2005 - Shawn Kemp
It is the old school "Worm" this week and a favourite of any ball player or fan from the Pacific Northwest. To quote Kevin Calabro, "the Reign Man cometh... strong!" Now, how did Mr. Kemp run afoul of the "WOW" patrol. After cruising the always attractive stretch of asphalt know as Aurora Avenue, Shawn and his riding buddy were pulled over for a traffic stop. After a quick look see, said officer found that Shawn and his one man posse were in possession of some controlled substances and a constitutionally guaranteed firearm. That is never a good combination (except if you are a hip hop impresario).

The word on the street is that the traffic stop that preceded all of this might not be kosher. So, the arrest might not stick. God bless the ACLU. Regardless, it leaves many key, unanswered questions. Why was Shawn low riding it along Aurora? My guesses - looking for a chicken and waffle house, trying to find an even better deal on a discounted stereo, auditing the various $30/night motels or maybe even looking for a medically licensed masseuse. Aurora is a lovely stretch of road.  For those reading in the Vancouver area, Aurora is Kingsway, except a little lower rent. Nice.

Of course, all of this speculation leads to even more questions. What does Shawn Kemp weigh in at these days? Did this episode involve any of his 82 children? In what kind of whip does an ex-NBA player cruise Aurora? My money is on Shawn's original Lincoln Navigator circa 1991 (since that is probably the only ride he has left). Until those weighty questions can be answered, I'll just have to be content with Shawn Kemp winning this week's edition of the "WOW."

April 1, 2005 - No "Worm"
Why? Because it's March Madness and we know nothing untoward goes on in the pristine and ethical world of NCAA basketball. If you don't trust me ask any AAU coach, alumnus or shoe company representative.

March 25, 2005 - Steve Francis
Aaah, Vancouver fans only had to wait a few months for the inevitable. That's right, the Vancouver Grizzlies most talented draft pick ever, Mr. Steve Francis, is this week's "Worm of the Week." I can hear the boos ringing throughout GM Place as if it was yesterday (there might even be the odd orange flying from the upper deck).

I am actually quite disappointed I didn't head down to Seattle for the Sonics vs. Orlando game. Steve truly made his presence felt. After missing a lay-up and maybe getting fouled, Steve proceeded to go "Rodman" and put the boots to a photographer on the baseline. Now, usually this wouldn't bother me all that much except the photographer, Jeff Reinking, is a friend of mine and one of the nicest guys around. Steve's kicks weren't quite as explosive or targeted as Dennis' were but nonetheless, he connected with the innocent Mr. Reinking at least twice.

For his troubles, Francis was suspended for three games and sentenced to participate in a Polaroid insta-photo contest for at-risk youth (no, not really, I just made that last part up). But as we say here at ebehoops, "if you copy the master, and we don't mean Olaf Simon, you too can be the Worm of the Week." So, Stevie Franchise, your kung fu kicks have won you both a guest staring role on "Hong Kong Phooey" and the coveted "WOW."  Well done.

March 18, 2005 - Stacey Augmon
On this week's episode of "Queer Eye for the Basketball Guy," the Fab Five concentrate on personal grooming and hygiene. After a hard game and a steamy shower, players should always pay close attention to their skin care needs. As always, moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Unfortunately, this week, Stacey Augmon of the Orlando Magic decided that he didn't need to look after his own dry skin but that of the assembled media masses.

Following yet another Magic loss, the media hordes descended upon the pouting and petulant Steve Francis with some mildly tough questions regarding Stevie Franchise's poor play and attitude. Mr. Augmon, who refuses to speak with the media (still haven't discovered the reason for that), did not take kindly to his boy's grilling at the hands of the press.  After a few choice words, Stacey proceeded to use his lotion as a weapon of mass destruction, spraying the media members with a gently scented Aloe Vera stream of abuse.

Now, don't get me wrong, most members of the NBA media could use a little scented moisturizer but I think they'd prefer their skin care help to come from Kyan and the boys and not from Stacey Augmon. So, for both abusive behavior and a poor attempt to give the media a metrosexual makeover, Stacey Augmon is our "Worm of the Week."

March 11, 2005 - Kobe Bryant
One word - HYPOCRITE. Kobe runs Phil Jackson out of town in the summer (although, the Zen Master's contract demands also played a big part) and now is quoted as saying "he'd welcome Phil back." Huh? Okay, let's recap;

- charged with sexual assault ("It was consensual...").
- runs coach who lead team to multiple titles out of town ("I didn't have anything to do with Phil leaving...").
- runs the most dominant big man in basketball out of town ("I didn't have anything to do with Shaq leaving...").
- tries to bring in his own personal coach, who just happens to be the guy that would have been his college coach ("It would be great if Mike came to LA but I'm not actively recruiting him").
- settles for coach who will run everything (and I mean, every single play) through Kobe.
- personal coach #2 leaves and all of a sudden Kobe wants Phil Jackson back... are you serious?

Kobe has always been a big smile, I'm a role model kinda' guy. Right from the get go, it was a false face. Much like today's other smiling fake, Mr. Phil Mickleson, Kobe Bryant is head of the hypocrite brigade. Do one thing with the sharp knives in the background while trying to look the part of the public angel. HYPOCRITE = "WOW."

March 4, 2005 - Tyronn Lue
I know that we shouldn't judge people by their physical appearance but I can't help thinking of a very strange garden gnome every time I see this week's winner, Tyronn Lue. The Atlanta Hawks guard has a very goofy face with perhaps the worst braiding job in the league. Couldn't he pull into the "Barbershop" and have Eve tighten that thing up? Tyronn has the distinction of making an NBA career out of a few minutes of good D on Allen Iverson in the 2001 Finals. That few minutes of national TV defense translated into a nice free agent contract out of the previously clueless Wizards, followed by being passed around the league like a Paris Hilton wannabe. Spot duty hasn't resulted in that much money since Calvin Booth blocked a couple of shots and got millions out of Wally Walker in Seattle.

What does this have to do with the "WOW?" Nothing really, I just wanted to vent a little. Tyronn's transgression this week was getting shown up by an undersized power forward and reacting like an 8 year old flipping up the game board in anger. Cap College's main man of rehab, Eduardo Najera, played his normal aggressive D on little Tyronn causing a steal at center. The garden gnome didn't react well to this aggressive play and proceeded to punch Najera twice in the gut. It looked like Mr. Lue was aiming for the "lower abdomen," as Gorilla Monsoon used to say but Najera was too quick with the steal.

So, ugly guy, bad lid and poor anger management skills on the court net Tyronn Lue this week's "Worm of the Week."

February 24 - Trade Deadline Day
Too much going on, too much pressure... I can't come up with a "Worm!"

February 11, 2005 - Leo Rautins
Wait a minute, how can you get hired for a new job and still show up as the "Worm of the Week?" Yes, Mr. Rautins was hired as the new coach of the Canadian national team. Yes, everyone should probably give him a chance. Does that mean he can't be the "WOW." No. Leo has been angling for this job from the time Ken Shields was run out of Dodge (or at least Toronto). Now the new regime, Mr. Fred Nykamp, figures Leo is the guy to woo corporate Canada (Toronto) and convince Jamaal Magloire (and his posse) to come on out for the Great White north.

Rumour has it (and I stress it is only a rumour) the only reason that Jay Triano took the head coaching gig some seven years ago was to keep Leo Rautins from taking the job. That has to tell you something. Fast forward to the present and Leo has done a great deal to polish his coaching resume - TV colour guy who hasn't coached anything... under 13's - NO... senior girls - NO... the coaches that are there everyday making a difference in national player development must be really pleased.

During his last comeback, Leo was a cancer on the 1992 Tourney of the America's team. That "there is an I in team" attitude will surely carry over to his coaching.  It's all about Leo, trust me. I really foresee a Isiah Thomas-style bad ending to this experiment. At least our national team coach will have the best hair of all the international coaches.

February 4, 2005 - Sally Anthony
This week's award is very near and dear to my heart.  Having recently been in the employ of an expansion ABA (American Basketball Association) franchise, I am honoured to award the "WOW" to Sally Anthony, one of the owners of the Nashville Rhythm of the ABA. Sally made the instantaneous executive decision to fire her coach in the middle of their game last week. Now, as strange as that sounds, it is not really that out of the ordinary for the ABA (or minor pro basketball in general). The really interesting angle of this story is the Nashville Rhythm's coach is 23 year old Ashley McElhiney, the first woman coach of a male professional team. Coach McElhiney was a standout player for Vanderbilt University (in Nashville) and became the Rhythm coach for their inaugural campaign in the ABA.

Why the firing? Sally didn't like that Ashley was playing former Vanderbilt star, Matt Freije, against her wishes. Something to do with Matt making $10,000 for playing two games for the Rhythm. Not a lot of money in "professional" basketball but the ABA salary cap is $120,000 US per team. Ouch. after rushing down out of the stands to fire Ashley, Sally had to be restrained by security. Can you say "psycho bitch."

To make this story even better, in a "too crazy even for a soap opera plot" kind of way, Sally Anthony followed her attempted third quarter firing with a hospital visit either for an attempted suicide (pills and alcohol) or a dog bite followed-up by a fall down the stairs. Your choice. The thing is, this isn't that out of the ordinary for the ABA. Just wait, one day I'll put all of my Calgary Drillers and ABA stories down on paper and people will be, in a word, ENTERTAINED!

January 28th, 2005 - Jim Jackson
A real nice pick-up by the Phoenix Suns. Another potential 30 point scorer with excellent 3 point range, veteran guy, playoff hardened, etc., etc. But the more I thought about it (thanks, Peter Vescey), the more disappointed I was in the way that Jackson got to Phoenix. Traded from the Houston Rockets to the cellar dwelling New Orleans Hornets, Jackson refused to report. Yes, he gave up over $300,000 in salary but it really looks like he held his breath and refused to eat his dinner. The man is supposed to be a consummate professional but there is a reason that he's played for twelve teams in as many years. No, you can't blame Toni Braxton.

When all was said and done, he starting looking like the text book definition of the petulant, spoiled NBA player that people hold on to and use to ignore the true greatness of the NBA and its ballers. Jackson reaches "Worm of the Week" status as the representative for all the selfish "I just wanna' win" egomaniacs; Vince, Tracy, Alonzo... pay me my full share but rid me of any responsibility for the team and its success.

January 21st, 2005 - Tracy McGrady
Anyone having anything to do with dogs is a potential "WOW" winner this time around (a little alliteration for all my English teachers). Qyntel Woods was waived by the Trailblazers because of that little dog fighting operation. A guide dog in training did his business in the paint at halftime of the Pistons/Magic game (much to the amusement and horror of Rasheed Wallace). But the canine themed winner is Tracy McGrady, who was sued this week by one of his former household workers in Orlando. Unfortunately, Tracy's dog took a big chop out of said household worker's nose. The popular litigation equation - less domestic nose = more superstar cash - ensued, to the tune of a few million dollars!

Now, to be perfectly honest, Tracy got extra "WOW" points for his "I didn't always play hard..." quotes plus looking like a pompous, arrogant rapper while talking about his private jet in Sports Illustrated. "I'm rich, you don't know the difficulties of my life..." Thanks, Tracy, for reinforcing the image that most NBA players are morons.

January 14th, 2005 - Jayson Williams
Limo drivers across North America, beware. Former NJ Net all-star and convicted felon (at least for the cover-up charges), Jayson Williams, has decided to cease helping OJ find the real killers and has returned to playing basketball. Williams made his debut with the Idaho Stampede of the CBA this week, looking to parlay a strong minor league showing into a possible return to the NBA. Never mind that whole "accidental shooting" thing, Jayson needs to get over his grief by grabbing rebounds.

It just doesn't seem right. Gus Christofi, rest in peace.

January 7th, 2005 - Good Guy Award (NBA players making Tsunami donations)
Dennis Rodman, nice guy. It's true - the worm made many quiet (and some not so quiet) community contributions during his career. In honour of his social conscience, this week's "WOW" award goes to those NBA players who have stepped up and made sizable contributions to those trying to make a difference in Southeast Asia. Clients of behemoth agency, SFX, pooled their talents this past week and donated $1,000 for each point scored.  Grand total, over $160,000. Special kudos to the recently unsuspended, Jermaine O'Neal, who looks like he will throw even more into the kitty to commemorate his 55 point explosion of a few days ago. Well done NBA players, staff and teams.

December 17th, 2004 - Kobe Bryant
There is a new face of irony in the basketball world and he looks a lot like Mr. Kobe Bryant. Okay, cheat on your wife (but make it right with a really huge diamond). Next, spend a year of your life with a sexual assault charge hanging over your head. Banish your dominant teammate to South Florida and your coach to Montana.

Now, here's the key - call out your most  loyal teammate for supposedly hitting on your Hispanic "Yoko Ono" wife and then, to add a little extra insult, claim that said teammate has been stepping out on his wife. Real nice, Kobe.

December 10th, 2004 - Latrell Spreewell.
A strong track record and consistent worm-like behavior always helps when considering who will take this now coveted award. But if you can cuss out a female fan, you've basically ensured victory. Everyone's favorite food bank customer, Mr. Latrell Spreewell, made sure some courtside Clipper fans got their money's worth last week by first making a strong oral suggestion to one female fan followed-up with cursing like a rapper at a second female fan. I know that Dennis would have at least got the ladies digits following such an intimate verbal suggestion.

For Spree's troubles, the NBA came down with a one game suspension, costing his family approximately $134,000 in government cheese or the Canadian equivalent of Kraft Dinner. There is a very real possibility that Spree will easily become a two time winner of this award at some point during this season... it's only a matter of time. Thanks Latrell and remember, "S**k my c**k" is a guaranteed winner every week here for the "Worm of the Week."

December 3rd, 2004 - Marion Jones
Marion Jones? That's right, hoop fans, Marion Jones is the second "Worm of the Week." She may not be an NBA player but Miss Jones has some serious hoop skills. The starting point guard for the 1994 NCAA champion, University of North Carolina, Marion was still receiving WNBA offers up until a few seasons ago. Basically, the girl had serious game.

So, for giving up the purity of the basketball life and deciding to live in the steroid infested world of track and field, Marion Jones wins this special "unknown substance" edition of the "Sportstalk Worm of the Week." Anytime you can put something weird and wild into your system, Dennis approves.

November 26th, 2004 - Michael Olowokandi
Exactly how big and what kind of zap would a stun gun have to possess to bring down a 7' 2", 280 pound NBA center? Well, all we have to do is ask the Indianapolis police department.  T-Wolves center Michael Olowokandi decided that he didn't want to leave the Tiki Bob nightclub when asked, so, management arranged for the University of the Pacific product to experience the miracle of electricity for his trouble. Olowokandi was charged with a variety of misdemeanors and will be making a court appearance in the New Year.

Indianapolis isn't the most happenin' town in the association, so, Tiki Bob's must be a really nice place if Big Michael didn't want to leave that badly. I guess the T-Wolves don't have a curfew. For this Rodman-like exercise in social relations, Michael Olowokandi is "Sportstalk's Worm of the Week."

Doug E.

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